|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| i ran. that's all i wanted to do. i didn't want to cry. i didn't want to feel.
i ran myself straight down to every bottle of alcohol i could find. i drank. i drank everyday for the past two months. i drank at parties, i drank on wednesdays, i drank on my own. i drank when i couldn't sleep, i drank when i wanted to be happy, i drank when i felt a hint of sadness coming on. i drank for every reason i could find. it was my only solution to everything. it was a mask that i used to fool myself. i was only good enough to fool other people but fooling my own feelings needed something extra.
i wanted to be strong. i wanted to be strong for everyone. i didn't want to let my friends down. i didn't want them to see me sweat something over that was so inevitable in their eyes. i was , i am strong. it's almost harder to be strong when you know it's what expected of you and i knew the past couple of months that was all that everybody expected of me. everyone just wanted me to quickly shed my past life and move on. they all talked about it like it was a piece of gum to be thrown away or a dirty shirt to be taken off.. easy which coincides with their unanimous tone. i took their word for it and acted like it was easy. i acted like i didn't just watch piece of my heart float away. i acted like i didn't just say goodbye to a life that i was perfectly content with. i acted like nothing fazed me. days and weeks pass and it began to get easier. i was in the wrong state of mind half the time anyways, clouded by the ridiculous amount of alcohol i've learned to tolerate by this time around. i found this liquid courage to help me buttress all the lies that i was feeding myself.
here i am, two months later and all the lies have finally caught up to me. i'm finally ready to face this pain head on. i'm ready to feel everything and take everything for what it is. i'm not going to hide behind a bottle anymore. i'm ready to take this pain for what it is. i'm finally ready to do this because i'm finally ready to move on...
| | |
| i want...
to never fall in love
to drink all the time
to party all the time
to have sex all the time (if possible)
to meet anyone and everyone
to never be in a relationship again
to never take anybody seriously
to never take life seriously
to never take a boy seriously
to break promises
to focus on myself
to be with my friends
to leave this place
to be independent
to never depend on anyone
to enjoy my own company
and through all this, i just want to be happy.
single and alone...
because i don't need anyone
because i don't want anyone
nobody is allowed to walk into my life anymore. nobody should ever believe that it's easy to gain my trust, respect and love.
i know who i can count on and that is myself. just myself. don't ever try to tell me otherwise because i know better.
this is the new me. bitter and better.
life's not fair but who says i have to play by the rules.
| | |
| twenty. does that make me twenty years old or twenty years young?
i finally feel my age. i've finally found myself in a situation where i'm either too young or too old to comprehend. i cannot find an answer neither here nor there. i cannot find rationale in the many, or too few, years that i've been alive. i cannot find an example, a logic, or a past experience to relate to the situation i am in. i'm stuck. i am so stuck. i've used up all my friends and all my voice talking things over. i've racked my brain over and over again.. and..NOTHING! maybe you could help ...
i love you. you love me. what else matters? i want you. you want me. does anything else matters? the young one in me says no but the old one in me says.. no.. too. am i missing something? is the scope of head too myopic or is the scope of my heart too evolved? which one is it? am i being naive and nonrealistic? am i not seeing a bigger picture? what are the criteria for a relationship?
are there mistakes too big that cannot be fixed? i guess the word i'm trying to say is... regret. i'm not a person too acquainted with regret. i've done many stupid things and if you know me just one bit you know i am a person capable of stupid things, big stupid things for that matter. yet, regret never crossed my mind. but here i am, meeting regret for the first time. maybe the second time, or the third time but this meeting definitely outweighs them all.
tbc...
| | |
| 011607.071609.sixteen.16.
what can i say that hasn't already been said. been there, done that.
its crazy how self-loathing comes so easily during these moments. a harsh reflective mirror is shoved into your face. telling you exactly every single mistake, every single flaw, every single ugliness that lead this one to burn to the ground. its so easy to notice all the things you did wrong that lead to the demise of this one. its so easy to hate your pathetic little self for not being exactly the girl he needed, no scratch that, he wanted. he didn't even want you. the sad thing is during all that time you were giving the best of you. giving the better part of yourselves then you come to realize it wasn't good enough. it crushes you because you know that's all you can give and you just come to the conclusion that you aren't good enough. you aren't good enough to keep around anymore. you aren't the one that they needed. you aren't good enough to keep their word. you aren't good enough...period.
i want to say that i've put up better walls. i want to say that i've learned my lesson this time. i want to say that i will learn how shut people out. i want to say that i will no longer let anybody hold that kind of power over me. i want to learn to keep the memories of all these painful nights vivid in my thoughts so that any time in the future where i decide that i'm ready to fall in love again...i can just relive those memories.
i already know what everybody is thinking. you're only 20. maybe i should have listened to my mom a long time ago. maybe i shouldn't have dated until i was married. i was stubborn and stupid. i let my heart wander without the supervision of my mind. i let her think it was okay to give herself away because nobody would ever want to hurt such a fragile thing like her. i used to think that way. i used to think that love will protect from these things. now i learned that love is the only cause for these things. love is the only reason for any pain in my life. love is the only reason for these tear-filled nights and zombie state of minds. love is the only really big jerk in my life. because i keep letting it back in my life. i keep letting it dupe me into thinking that its real and that it is possible to have.
im writing this as a message to myself. i want to remember this moment exactly for what it is. a big slap in the face. i want to go back to this every time i decide that i'm ready. everytime that i get sudden feeling of naivete and start believing in that mythical creature called love.
bitterness. this is exactly what it is. you would feel it too if you went through all the things i did.
its only bitterness towards myself, not anybody else, that i let myself get fooled.
"you fool me once, shame on you. you fool me twice, shame on me"
| | |
| You're not going to be her first, her last, nor her only.
She loved before, she loved again, but if she loves you now, what else matters?
It's no secret that i have loved before, but it is also no secret that i loved again that i am still loving.
there is no point in my life where i feel like i have deserved the worst of things but i think, at this point in time, i do. there is no doubt in my mid that this is my fault. i dug myself a shit hole and i just fell into it. nobody but myself to blame..that's the worst part. i have no power to change the circumstance that i put myself in.
all i ever do is think of myself. i guess selfishness has no place in a relationship and i think that's a lesson that i learned too late. i spent a lot of time thinking of myself and detaching myself from my other half when the whole time all he was doing was to continuously make us one. i've always thought that I was the one who made the sacrifices, that I was the one who kept us together, and that I was always the one who tried the hardest. but now i've realized that it's all wrong. i've been blinded by my own stupid pride and with my own selfishness put up a wall in my own relationship. it was me who had created barriers between us and it was me who hindered the growth of our relationship. the intimacy and closeness i was looking to him for and felt that he was lacking was actually on my own account. i just don't know how selfish i've been till now. i've said before that i learned my lesson a few months back but honestly only at this moment where everything seems so clear. all of a sudden all his words and all his 'you dont understand' statements made sense. i didn't understand because i was too caught up in making my side of the story heard, too concentrated on making him understand my point of view. i was the one who wasn't taking the time and effort to hear him. he fell on deaf ears yet i was too selfish to change.
every time we fought i boasted about how much i've sacrificed and how i've changed insinuating that he hasn't done his end of the bargain when the whole time all his sacrifices were made silently. ..
this is for you.. mark christopher javier.
reading everything i have just wrote has put everything in perspective. i was constantly pushing you and nagging you to make changes that i thought was going to make us closer. i was always in your face about everything that I changed and sacrificed. when the whole time, it was just me. you didnt need to change. i did. i was the one.
i was always so scared to let go of the past. i'm always scared to let things go, and let new things come into my life. i think you've known that about me. i like thing constant, always the same thing. i guess when you came into my life, you were the biggest change of all. as much as i knew this was a good thing, you came with such a big weight of fear that the positive side to it all was just overshadowed. i knew i loved you from the very first time i said up to now. i'm still as in love with you then as i am now, maybe even more. you were the best change that ever came to my life and i was just too scared to see it. it was my fault that our relationship didn't grow into the level that i thought we would be at this point. these past few months i've been so anxious to enter a new phase in our relationship, a srot of intimcay that came along with the more time we spent with each other. but lately, we were so stagnant, we were stuck in a rut. we were always fighting and you and i can never figure out why. i think i finally know why, its all my fault. it breaks my heart to know that it was me that was stopping us. i see now all the things that you've changed about yourself, all your efforts to make us better. nothing i've done is comparable to the amount of sacrifices you've made. i say all these things with tears flowing down my cheeks because realizing these things about myself is the hardest i have ever had to face. you know better than anyone that i hate being wrong and realizing this mistake breaks my heart. if you do choose to stand by your decision then i know that it was nobody else's fault but mine that we ended. i can't tell you that change will come overnight as i have tried before. i cannot tell you that you will have a new girl at your side (if you choose to have her back). and i definitely, cannot promise you that we will never encounter this problem. but i can promise you, that this girl will definitely try. i will try to think of us, rather than just me with all the choices i make. i think that has been our biggest downfall, or mine at least. i sort of always forget that in our relationship its not just me who gets affected by the choices i make but that you are part of the process too. thats the lesson that you've constantly reiterated between us. you've always said that whatever problems i had was your problem also, and whatever trouble i'm in you are right there with me. i guess that mindset was a one way street in our relationship and i am so sorry for taht. i can't say this enough but i've just been so selfish and i cant believe it took me this long to see that.
i've made many mistakes in the short time that we have been together. mistakes that are sometimes too big that leads you to doubt if we should be together, but i hope that this one is not one of them. mark, there is nobody else in the world that i would rather fall asleep to and wake up to. there is nobody else out there that i would love to eat, study, work, do the laundry, go shopping, run errands with, watch tv, or just spend time with but you. i can spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with you for the rest of my life and never get tired of you. i love how we don't cuddle at night and always wake up paralyzed or dying. i love how all we do on teh weekends is work then go home and watch tv after we buy our dinner from vons. i love how you know everything about me - how i get dressed in the morning and how to order food for me anywhere we go. i love how you are so devoted to this relationship and all i ask is that you let me know you mine.
i am not perfect, our history has shown that. but when it comes down to everything .. i am still just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love me.
love always,
Josette
| | |
|
